wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
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I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
“TGIM!” – My liver
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts