Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
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I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
is there nothing we can trust anymore
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Think I pulled my liver
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
“I FIXED IT!”
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood