Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
![]()
You Might Also Like
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.