Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
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{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.