Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
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Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
when the buffet is more honest than your date
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?