Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
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My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.