Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
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up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
mom had nothing to worry about
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M