Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
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It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
BRAKING NEWS!!
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*