At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
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You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
we’re gonna need another temp
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP