DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
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Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
But that’s none of my business
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
My birthstone is kidney
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little