What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
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Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
I know