[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
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wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Duck typos.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune