[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
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*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here