the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
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My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Lmao the reply
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.