Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
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In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.