@Goofpoops

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

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@atDevin

“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail

@FatherWithTwins

4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9

@MindyFurano

person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god

@TylerLinkin

Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.

@HenpeckedHal

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.

@FormerHumorist

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

@Tmoney68

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

@a_simpl_man

My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.

@3sunzzz

My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.

@Donna_McCoy

*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold