Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
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Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
our love story in four pictures
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Do not levitate over flowers
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Should I call tech support or pray or what
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.