#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
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“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Just ordered me some pizza!
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”