me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
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When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.