Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
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Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager