Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
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To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?