I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
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Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
For when Tinder doesn’t work
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on