The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
You Might Also Like
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Happy Star Wars day!
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.