if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
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Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?