if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
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Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.