Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
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[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.