She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
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The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Squirrels before girls.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair