Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
You Might Also Like
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Van Gone
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami