Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
You Might Also Like
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 馃槀馃槀馃槀
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
oh shit
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they鈥檙e carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
This is not me but this is me
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 馃槀馃コ
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
The Struggle
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers