“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
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The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Me too, bag. Me too….
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.