“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
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No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
This came to me in a dream.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan