sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
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Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Teamwork makes the dream work.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Bond. Trauma bond.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.