No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
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I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”