I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
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RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.