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The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!