I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
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Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
getting corrected
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.