Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
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*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.