Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
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*gets to heaven*
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
This is always good for a laugh.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
God: “haha, alright man”
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?