Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
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Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
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Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Banana is the quietest snack
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Cat.
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I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
2022 be like
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I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood