We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
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Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )