I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
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a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
it was love at first sight
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick