7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
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my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
こいつ天才
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes