Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
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bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.