We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
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me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.