I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
![]()
You Might Also Like
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
![]()
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I am also baked goods
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
man: wait
time: no
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.