I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.

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I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”


Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it


[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there


There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.


You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!


How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.


The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.


Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.