I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
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Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.