@JackMackenroth

I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.

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@LindaInDisguise

I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”

@POOPSCRUFFIN4U

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

@cwhudson

[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there

@

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

@2tonbug

You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!

@daemonic3

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.

@kyry5

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

@Midgetspar

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.