Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
You Might Also Like
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Baller is short for ballerina
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
*eats only grass-fed donuts
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.