Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
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My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
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I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Hell yeah 👍
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“You drive, I’m tired.”
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I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
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My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
I pray every night that I never become religious…
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?