Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
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One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
My diet starts in January
of 2027
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.