Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
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Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
this country is so goddamn polarized
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
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You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline