I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
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Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.