Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
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Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
ibopfufen
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.