Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
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I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Doggies just call it style.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
#growingpains
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Finally, an explanation.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.