One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
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Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.