so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
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purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
How did we not see this back then?
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today