me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
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the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this