my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
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There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story